An Open Letter To The Man I love

To the man that stole my heart I write this letter,
 
    To think that our lives would be the way they are  right now makes me chuckle a little inside.You
see if I knew what I know now I would have spent all my time chasing after you instead of the time I
threw out. But clearly God, had other plans.

Almost two years ago Id say I was in one of the worst places of my life and out of no where you came. Swooping in and saving me from all the things that had brought me to such a terrible place in my life.( now if Im being dramatic please correct me) I was angry with the way Id been dealt life and how I felt about my self. I was broken, broken in a way I thought no one would ever understand.

Patiently, you waited. You slowly started to discover who I was and I wasn't afraid . You watered me with kindness and humility like id never known before. You busted through the walls I built around myself one brick at a time.

Before I knew it my feet had been swept from underneath me . The first time I had been appreciated. the first time someone had made me realize that yes there are still wonderful men out there.

Now ordinary is far from what our relationship has been. With countless hours spent on the phone to care packages from thousands of miles away. Not once has there been question if this is going to work. With all the tears shed in silence when your not here I remind my self that there has never been someone like you in my life before. I would never be able to replace you in all that you have done for me. You show me day in and day out that my future with you is the only one I want to see.

My only hope is that everything you do for me I hope I give back. I hope that no mater what life throws our way that I can be the best to you.  I hope that you know Im proud of you and all that you do. I hope that  every day I remind you that you are the only one my soul longs for .

 I love you more than the world knows.
Tab

                                                                   

Cancer

Cancer. It’s the kind of word that puts a lump in the back of your throat and makes it hard to swallow. It makes your mind go to one place. Suffering. You hear nothing and you feel nothing.  Your world is changed, your entire existence has stopped and you don’t know if you can get through the next five minutes never mind the next year.

Now do I have it? No.  Do I live with someone who has it? Yes. You can’t help but replay the day it all happened a daily basis. Nothing can take you back to the day before and nothing will be remembered normally again.

Was it because I did something? Did I cause this? What can I do God to fix something like this from really happening to her? Questions flood your brain and nothing except a fog lives inside your head. People could be talking, or even asking you questions but you have no emotion except bank stares.

They say it gets better and once you get through this, you’ve made it through the hardest part. LIES. They can tell you what ever they please but if you think that walking through the doors of a hospital two or three times a week is any less scary than the first time you went with her they are lying to you.

Watching someone be in pain is one thing, watching someone suffer is another. From appointment to appointment every time you hold your breath.

A needle may have been something you rarely had to watch or be around  but it then becomes something so natural you think of it as brushing your teeth. Doctors in and out and nurses with clip boards all saying and telling her things that she cant even understand  but she puts her strong face on and takes it like a champ.

I can’t say that I would be as brave, but she shows me a side of courage like no other woman.

I know what this has done and how much pain it has caused to your body and even your soul but it has also brought to light especially others that this can happen to anyone. It shows family to hold onto what they have and treasure everyone they have and give them all the love they need.

Every day is a journey and a constant battle. I know you say I don’t understand. I know you say you feel trapped. You are 100% correct I do not feel the poison coursing through my veins and I do not feel the waves of nausea in the pit of my stomach, but there is one thing I do know. If given the opportunity to take on the word cancer on for you, I would. It wouldn’t be a question; it wouldn’t be a thought it would be lay it on me I’m taking care of this one.

You see this battle isn’t over yet but know that even on the worst days Id give it up to see you better.

I Love You Mom.